In Retrospect : Chaos

In Retrospect : Chaos is the first article out of three. Telling the naked story about how it was to be inside my body during my Burnout. Instead of starting from the beginning, I have chosen to start right in middle of everything. The period of chaos. This period starts right after I was diagnosed with Burnout and put on sick leave.

In the following articles, I will cover two periods of my life:

• the period leading up to my sick leave, where I really lost all connection to the ground –The Tornado.
• And the so-called –Turning point. Where I finally regained a bit of strength to start living again

These stories are very personal and I hope that my story and reflection can help others who are out there in a similar situation. <3
– And also, I hope to prove the importance of daring to show our vulnerability even in public.

In this post, I want to go back in time and re-explore a period that was painful and very chaotic. Both for my family and me.

Recent events have made me look back at this time of chaos, that took place between Spring 2015 till early spring 2016. This was when I finally started, baby step by baby step, to turn things around. Even though it was like a living hell, I’m now looking back with gratitude. Gratitude for allowing myself to shift the track, change direction and focus. This gratitude is why it´s so immensely important to share these experiences with whoever wants to read and listen. In retrospect : Chaos

I love everything about the direction my new life is taking. Setting up my new company; Balance Room – in Malmö. Working with MediYoga, Bodytherapy and training seems like the right combination, and I have absolutely no doubt that I will be thriving with this choice for many years to come.
Having said that does not mean that setting up my company and getting started for real is not hard and stressful. –It is! Particularly after one intense period I felt my body give in. Only a few hours after releasing my new website; balanceroom.se I felt all the old stress symptoms coming over me like a wave of remembrance. Everything crushed on me, at the same time:

• the physical pain,
• the feeling of my body just wanting to collapse,
• the shaking,
• the nausea,
• the feeling of being apathetic and wanting to sprint at the same time.
• Restless legs

…and I could go on. It made me scared – It made me think – It made me stop and listen!

I went back and looked at my journals from when I was sick. Even if what I felt now was strong, luckily this was nothing compared to summer and autumn 2015. The key for me right now, is to accept that a little bounce back like this, most probably will happen again and again. And with that knowledge to always stop and listen – Plan a break during the day to do something for me – Take days and sometimes weeks off. To cut it short: make sure I take care of myself.

Looking back in my journals, I got to remember this extreme period in the summer and autumn 2015 – the chaos! A place of suffering. A time of being outside myself. A time of extreme exhaustion. Chaos!

I was in an inner chaotic state. I felt that trapped in a time bubble. A bubble where the air was sucked out slowly, leaving me feeling suffocated.

I lost my passion, my creative urge, my sense of humor. I was depressed. There was a turmoil of thoughts spinning SO fast that I could not hold on to any of them, nor could I just let them pass. Emotionally I was a wreck, but I was incapable of putting words to my emotions.

There was absolutely no power in me to act on anything. I was Apathetic.

I remember when I realized that I had to, at least for a while; lay the responsibility for my life into someone else’s hands. At first it was a horrible feeling. I had no choice but to just lie down and surrender. The feeling of not being able to cook a simple meal for my family without burning the food, ending up shivering crying in a corner of the kitchen was awful.

Inside my head a voice kept repeating: I Must escape this place…… I must escape this place… But the more I wanted to escape – the worse the it got. Chaos.

I wasn’t able to hear my own thoughts. I wasn’t able to answer my own needs. I wasn’t able to be just a little nice to myself. Even when surrounded by my loved ones who understood my situation and loved me unconditionally, – I was still lonely and miserable.

Through all of this I learned that I cannot rush this process of healing. I was there for a very important reason – To learn from my suffering – To grow stronger and to dare to be vulnerable. In the middle of the chaos something beautiful was happening. When my thoughts started to quiet down I could hear my inner voice telling me what to do – the voice told me to surrender. And I did. I had no place else, I needed or wanted to be than inside my own body.

In the next chapter I will continue from here and write/tell you more about the turning point of my burnout. What happened and what did I do to get better. Stay tuned for In Retrospect : The Turning Point

With love and curiosity for life
Kirstine