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In Retrospect : Chaos

May 22, 2017
In Retrospect : Chaos

In Retrospect : Chaos is the first article out of three. Telling the naked story about how it was to be inside my body during my Burnout. Instead of starting from the beginning, I have chosen to start right in middle of everything. The period of chaos. This period starts right after I was diagnosed with Burnout and put on sick leave.

In the following articles, I will cover two periods of my life:

  • the period leading up to my sick leave, where I really lost all connection to the ground –The Tornado.
  • And the so-called –Turning point. Where I finally regained a bit of strength to start living again

These stories are very personal and I hope that my story and reflection can help others who are out there in a similar situation. <3
– And also, I hope to prove the importance of daring to show our vulnerability even in public.


In this post, I want to go back in time and re-explore a period that was painful and very chaotic. Both for my family and me.

Recent events have made me look back at this time of chaos, that took place between Spring 2015 till early spring 2016. This was when I finally started, baby step by baby step, to turn things around. Even though it was like a living hell, I’m now looking back with gratitude. Gratitude for allowing myself to shift the track, change direction and focus. This gratitude is why it´s so immensely important to share these experiences with whoever wants to read and listen. In retrospect : Chaos

I love everything about the direction my new life is taking. Setting up my new company; Balance Room – in Malmö. Working with MediYoga, Bodytherapy and training seems like the right combination, and I have absolutely no doubt that I will be thriving with this choice for many years to come.
Having said that does not mean that setting up my company and getting started for real is not hard and stressful. –It is! Particularly after one intense period I felt my body give in. Only a few hours after releasing my new website; balanceroom.se I felt all the old stress symptoms coming over me like a wave of remembrance. Everything crushed on me, at the same time:

  • the physical pain,
  • the feeling of my body just wanting to collapse,
  • the shaking,
  • the nausea,
  • the feeling of being apathetic and wanting to sprint at the same time.
  • Restless legs

…and I could go on. It made me scared – It made me think – It made me stop and listen!

I went back and looked at my journals from when I was sick. Even if what I felt now was strong, luckily this was nothing compared to summer and autumn 2015. The key for me right now, is to accept that a little bounce back like this, most probably will happen again and again. And with that knowledge to always stop and listen – Plan a break during the day to do something for me – Take days and sometimes weeks off. To cut it short: make sure I take care of myself.

Looking back in my journals, I got to remember this extreme period in the summer and autumn 2015 – the chaos! A place of suffering. A time of being outside myself. A time of extreme exhaustion. Chaos!

I was in an inner chaotic state. I felt that trapped in a time bubble. A bubble where the air was sucked out slowly, leaving me feeling suffocated.

I lost my passion, my creative urge, my sense of humor. I was depressed. There was a turmoil of thoughts spinning SO fast that I could not hold on to any of them, nor could I just let them pass. Emotionally I was a wreck, but I was incapable of putting words to my emotions.

There was absolutely no power in me to act on anything. I was Apathetic.

I remember when I realized that I had to, at least for a while; lay the responsibility for my life into someone else’s hands. At first it was a horrible feeling. I had no choice but to just lie down and surrender. The feeling of not being able to cook a simple meal for my family without burning the food, ending up shivering crying in a corner of the kitchen was awful.

Inside my head a voice kept repeating: I Must escape this place…… I must escape this place… But the more I wanted to escape – the worse the it got. Chaos.


I wasn’t able to hear my own thoughts. I wasn’t able to answer my own needs. I wasn’t able to be just a little nice to myself. Even when surrounded by my loved ones who understood my situation and loved me unconditionally, – I was still lonely and miserable.

Through all of this I learned that I cannot rush this process of healing. I was there for a very important reason – To learn from my suffering – To grow stronger and to dare to be vulnerable. In the middle of the chaos something beautiful was happening. When my thoughts started to quiet down I could hear my inner voice telling me what to do – the voice told me to surrender. And I did. I had no place else, I needed or wanted to be than inside my own body.

In the next chapter I will continue from here and write/tell you more about the turning point of my burnout. What happened and what did I do to get better. Stay tuned for In Retrospect : The Turning Point


With love and curiosity for life



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  • Reply parentingpatch July 22, 2017 at 3:29 am

    Mental illness is such a stigamitized issue in our culture. Sharing your story definitely helps in getting more people to be comfortable with talking about the problem.

    • Reply thebalancingsoul July 23, 2017 at 7:14 pm

      Thank you. I hope so too. And I also hope that even more people will step forward and share their stories <3

  • Reply Gloria July 22, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    This is such a relate-able post for me. I went through a horrible phase in 2012 and it was just like you wrote it. Utter inner chaos. It’s hard to get back on track and even if you think you finally overcame it there are still days when you’re getting dragged back into spiraling thoughts of failure and being overwhelmed. Healing is a such a long process and the hardest thing to come to terms with is that you will never be the same again so the word “healing” is merely a synonym for finding and creating a new version of yourself.

    • Reply thebalancingsoul July 23, 2017 at 7:19 pm

      Yes I really think you are right. Finding a new and more accepting version of one self is a good way forward. Finding a state of beeing where we somehow don´t aim for perfection <3

  • Reply Blonde Seeking Ambition July 22, 2017 at 7:51 pm

    Thank you so very much for sharing so openly of yourself. People need to read more stories like this to know that they’re not alone… because so many people are experiencing issues like this.

    • Reply thebalancingsoul July 23, 2017 at 8:55 pm

      Thank you for your comment. I agree completetly – which I why I want to continue writing about it.

  • Reply Nadine Cathleen July 23, 2017 at 5:37 pm

    I have a few friends that went through a similar thing like you. One was diagnosed with a burnout during her studies and it took her quite a while to get back on her feet. We should all watch out and make sure we take care of ourselves.

    • Reply thebalancingsoul July 23, 2017 at 7:26 pm

      Im sorry for your friends that had to endure a burnout. Unfortunately it´s symptomatic for our times. It seems that we feel that we are not allowed to stop and listen and sense how we feel in our body and mind. Untill we hit the infamous wall and are incapable of moving forward at all. Thank you for your comment Nadine <3

  • Reply Elizabeth O July 23, 2017 at 10:01 pm

    The powerful and disturbing photo set the tone for your piece. I could feel the pain and the struggle within. I look forward to reading the rest of your journey.

  • Reply On women mind July 23, 2017 at 10:38 pm

    I can understand the stress from working with people under difficult or demanding conditions can lead to serious burnout. But lot of us are not very open with the topic, but I am glad you overcome it and started a new life and helping people by opening up so they can realize that are not alone in this situation ..!

  • Reply Louise x (@withlovefromlou) July 25, 2017 at 12:33 am

    You are awesome for opening up and sharing your story with us! If it helps just one person (and I’m sure it will help many more) you’ve done a great job. Well done 🙂

    Louise x

  • Reply Alayna July 26, 2017 at 5:27 pm

    It was very brave of you to share such a personal time in your life. I’m glad you were able to find a way through it, so many people go through similar situations and feel as if they are alone. It’s refreshing when others can open up about experiences such as this one so others can know they are not alone. Thanks for sharing!

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    • Reply thebalancingsoul September 26, 2017 at 10:15 pm

      Thank you 🙂 Im about to continue the series soon. 🙂

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    I’m amazed, I have to admit. Seldom do I come across a blog that’s both equally educative and amusing, and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head. The issue is something too few people are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy I s…

  • Reply thebalancingsoul September 26, 2017 at 10:18 pm

    Thank you so much. Your comment means the world to me. It´s never easy to publish these posts, both because it´s very personal, but also because Burnout is conneted with shame. A feeling that is so deep, that writing and publishing these pieces takes quite some time. -K

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    • Reply thebalancingsoul September 27, 2017 at 4:19 pm

      Thank you

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    Greetings! Very helpful advice in this particular post! It is the little changes which will make the greatest changes. Many thanks for sharing!

    • Reply thebalancingsoul September 27, 2017 at 4:19 pm

      You are welcome, Glad you find it helpful

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      Thank you:-) However, for me the video Is not so much to make the point, rather a poethic side to everything.

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